Thank you for calling Heaven. For Hebrew, press 1.

For Yiddish, press 2.

For all other languages, press 0.

Please select one of the following options:

Press 1 for Requests.

Press 2 for Giving thanks.

Press 3 for Complaints.

Press 4 for all other inquiries.

I'm sorry; all personnel are busy helping other sinners right now.

However, your prayer is important to us, and we will answer it in the order in which it was received. Please stay on the line.

If you require special attention and would like to speak to:

God, press 1.

Moishe Rabbeinu, press 2.

Moishe ben Maimon, press 3.

If you would like to hear King David sing a psalm while you are holding, press 4.

To find a loved one who has been assigned to heaven, press 5, then enter his or her social security number, followed by the "pound" sign.

(If you receive a negative response, please hang up and try area code 666).

For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, the age of the earth, life on other planets, and where Noah's Ark is, please wait until you arrive here.

Our computers show that you have already prayed today.

Please hang up and try again tomorrow.

The office is now closed for the weekend to observe a religious holiday.

Please pray again on Monday after 9:30 a.m.

If you are calling after hours and need emergency assistance, please contact your local rabbi.

Thank you, and have a heavenly day.